Thursday, July 05, 2007

LEAH-CHAN @ 11:47 PM

Here's a food for thought:

The world's changing. Do you ever feel left behind?

Well, I'm talking to an old secondary school friend and I realised how much he and the others that I talk to have changed. They're all matured and where am I? I've grown down while others have grown up.

I remember my past - I was backboneless. People CONTROLLED me like a puppet, a lapdog. I sat there and did nothing about. Maybe some still do but it isn't as bad as the past. I put a stop to it. It ended badly. I cut off ties that linked to the problem. I thought I did a good thing. I've gained my backbone and I've started a new life.

These new friends brought me into a new light. They taught me FUN. Something I haven't felt when I was with my past problem. My past problem dragged me to bookshops after bookshops. I missed concerts, parties and well..FUN! I loved it. These new people didn't discriminate me. For the first time, I felt normal I guess.

I know I'm not deformed or whatever but all my life, (well, since school started) people always teased me because of my looks. And when I put a stop to my past problem, they used the worst kind of attack one can imagine. They knew my weakness - my heart, my emotions, my mind. They targeted it, telling me everything.

I made believe that I didn't care but actually, I do. But now, if they come and tell me, I'll tell them to go to hell.

When I'm with my new life, I forget everything. It's a new life. Why should I remember shit that happened to me? Why should I bring back the pain?

But having this conversation with this friend of mine, I realised that I was running away from my problems. Not that I needed to confront them but I pushed aside everything and started anew in the sense of the new person - new feelings, new experiences. It was like my past never happened and I was reborn this year.

I forgot that my past experiences built my character and my strength. The pain I felt should remind me how harsh reality is and not to fool around with life. Life is a delicate thing and Death jumps in at every corner. Self-mutilation...Suicide...These are all things that are not worthy when Life itself is priceless.

The reason for the title "Everything's Changing And I Feel Left Behind..." is that talking to this friend and a few more, I realised that everyone has matured so much. Where am I? I forgot everything that I've become childish!

My marks are horrible! I still didn't give a damn! CCAs, though important, seem like the MOST important thing when actually, its Studies that should ALWAYS come first. My money is spent on things which probably isn't important and could wait a few more years. And I'm not working to help out the family!!!

My mother is a SINGLE-parent trying to raise two TEENAGE kids, with the help of HER mother and sister. Why can I, the ELDEST teenage at the age where I am legally able to earn money, get a job and help out?

How are we to live when we are going to be in our new one-room flat? Electricity, water, internet, overall rent...my mother can't possible pay for EVERYTHING. I have to pay half. How am I able to do that when I can't even do a mature thing like get a job?

I really feel useless. Things aren't meant to be like this in my "new life". But things never go the way I hope, does it? Bad luck comes at every corner...No, its not bad luck. It is the way that -I- made it to be. I can't just sit and think that everything is going to be all right.

I made promises. I promised to be a better daughter; a better sister. I promised that I would work hard and pass my modules to get to the next level. I promised to be a better changed person - in my physical and mental attributes - to play my strengths and to work on my weakness.

I also wanted so much. I wanted to help my mother; to take away the suffering she has when it comes to money. I wanted to help my brother; to reach out and take his hand, guiding him and letting him know that his family will ALWAYS be around even though we're a broken family and soon, we'll be living far apart.

All these wants and I didn't do anything about it. I've lost the "family" connection with my brother already. Though we talk somethings, I, the older sister, actually feel degraded. What a hopeless case am I...

But then again, as my friend said, I'm half done. I've found out what is wrong with me. Now, I have to do something about it.

I have to work harder in my studies. I have to help out in anyway that I can. I have to plan my days properly so that I do not side-track and concentrate only on my CCAs - if all things fail, I have to quit one more CCA. Money doesn't grow on trees - no matter how I wish. I have to set aside for family; for the future; for emergencies and for school. Things that I want have to wait.

Sacrifices have to be made if I want to change yet AGAIN for the better. I don't want to go back to be an emo kid - the very emo kid that sat at home, wishing to die and crying her heart out.

Face the facts Leandra, if so what if guys don't like you for a relationship? NO ONE CARES! What matters is family and studies first. If you can get that down properly, then you can go and complain about no guy wanting to be in a relationship with you. In the meantime, PIPE DOWN and worry about the important things.

SET YOUR PRIORITIES RIGHT! Or it's back to the fucked-up emo shit-ass world again.

Thanks Alann, for reminding me the hardships I went through to gain the character that I have inside me. Thanks for unlocking it and making me realise the true meaning. Law really does suit you. Hope to see you on Teachers' Day in Siglap again.

Ja ne,
Leandra

Profile

Name: Leah-chan

Schooling In: Nanyang Polytechnic

Course: Multimedia & Infocommunications Technology, School of Information Technology

Birthday: 21st December 1990

CCAs: Foreign Bodies, Voice Ensemble

Colour: Black, White, Red, Blue, Green, Orange, Purple, etc ^_^

Hobbies: Reading, Writing, Singing, Acting, Dancing, Fashion

Music Influences: EVERYTHING but at the moment, JROCK/JPOP

I'm bi-polar i think.

One day, I'm happy and the next, I'm totally different.

Yahoo!: sweet_leah90@yahoo.com.sg

MSN: night_riot@hotmail.com

Livejournal: night-riot.livejournal.com

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I love music. It is my whole life. I can't survive with it.
I hope to be able to play the drums or guitar (electric) [that's once i have enough money to buy one].

I'm currently into Japanese music, and I love mixing their fashion with my own taste! ^_^

My new love is dancing, alongside singing, acting, writing romance fiction and creating fashion styles.
It allows me to express myself when I can't.
It relieves me from my stress.
Overall, I love dancing - I just need to get a confidence for it.

Hanging out with friends is another plus in my life. Friends, to me, equals to loyalty and honesty.

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karen deviantART photobucket blogskins Melissa Haslam Joanne