Monday, October 22, 2007

LEAH-CHAN @ 10:54 PM

Mood: Pissed/Worried/Depressed/Confused
Music: Apologize by Timbaland feat. One Republic

Yup...

I was feeling kinda all right today until I got home. Certain friends of mine have gotten into a predicament. Other than that - I'm very confused. Another HIM have caught my eye. Now I'm in deep shit.

I don't even know why should I think so much over this. I don't even know why I should be worrying so much over this. I mean, it's not like ANYONE of them would EVER like me. Yeap, this might an emo post. Sorry but if you guys don't like to read emo shit, then you can ignore this post. I just really wanna get it out.

Okay, the first HIM is...let's call him Kris.
The second HIM will be...Drake.
Note: These names are completely made up. But the people behind the names are real.

I haven't been talkin to Kris online for quite awhile. I tried to but I never get a response. Recently, I saw him as I was leaving. He gave me a hug and that was it.

When Drake came in, my mind was finally off Kris. I felt free in a sense since Kris has been clouding my mind since I met him. My heart would tie up in knots and butterflies would flutter delicately whenever I think of him. A friend of mine told me to give up on Kris because he's been affecting me so.

I love talking to Kris. He makes me laugh. He makes me stop and think about myself. His hugs are addicting. Every conversation we had would replay in my mind like a movie. But all this is online. AND ONLY ONLINE. In person, we would share a joke or two. We would playfully chat. But our online conversations are much more than the ones in person.

Drake came in JUST recently. He's playful and oh-so-adorable. He's the first to compliment me and whatever comes out of his mouth, seems sincere. Even when he points out something bad, it doesn't seem like he minds it. I do become aware of it but I doesn't depress me to the point that I hate myself again because of it. Seriously, he brings out the playful me. I'm not shy. I'm not afraid of what others will think. Together with my friends, all of them bring out the playful me. And I don't actually regret it. I've come to like it.

The thing both of them have in common? They can cause confusion in me. Kris's actions have more than one explanation behind them. It can either be: He likes me or He knows and he's freaked out by it. Drake's actions just make you wonder: He's just playing with me. He'll never like me. (Or maybe that's my low self-confidence talking)

I hate it. I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling so depressed. I think that my heart is suicidal. It loves making itself fall for others and likes the feeling of pain and hurt whenever my inner self tells it that no one will ever like me because of my size, my looks, etc.

Nobody's perfect.
To the world you may be one person but to one person, you may be the world.
Soon, it'll be your turn to love.

How many times have I heard this? How many times have these words been through my head but never to reach my heart? Even if it does, it does for a while before being conquered by my low self-esteem.

Today, Drake isn't feeling himself. I understand totally. But I can't help but feel sad by it. I guess I'm not used to him feeling this way. I did see Kris today though. But for a fleeting moment. My heart just yearned for a hug from him. But I didn't get it. But it didn't bother me so much.

Drake is a different matter. He kinda blew me off today but I understand. But I feel really sad. Not only for me but for him too. I understood why he felt that way. I know but...*sighs* Sorry people who actually wanted to read this but I don't really know how to explain why exactly am I feeling this way.

My heart feels heavy and I've gone back to the sea of depression. I'm terribly sorry to those who are and will be affected by this. I hope tomorrow (or rather today since it's 12:01am right now) will be a better day.

I'm stopping this post for the moment. My emotions aren't allowing me to type properly. I'm sorry.

Always Synyster,
Leandra

Profile

Name: Leah-chan

Schooling In: Nanyang Polytechnic

Course: Multimedia & Infocommunications Technology, School of Information Technology

Birthday: 21st December 1990

CCAs: Foreign Bodies, Voice Ensemble

Colour: Black, White, Red, Blue, Green, Orange, Purple, etc ^_^

Hobbies: Reading, Writing, Singing, Acting, Dancing, Fashion

Music Influences: EVERYTHING but at the moment, JROCK/JPOP

I'm bi-polar i think.

One day, I'm happy and the next, I'm totally different.

Yahoo!: sweet_leah90@yahoo.com.sg

MSN: night_riot@hotmail.com

Livejournal: night-riot.livejournal.com

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I love music. It is my whole life. I can't survive with it.
I hope to be able to play the drums or guitar (electric) [that's once i have enough money to buy one].

I'm currently into Japanese music, and I love mixing their fashion with my own taste! ^_^

My new love is dancing, alongside singing, acting, writing romance fiction and creating fashion styles.
It allows me to express myself when I can't.
It relieves me from my stress.
Overall, I love dancing - I just need to get a confidence for it.

Hanging out with friends is another plus in my life. Friends, to me, equals to loyalty and honesty.

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karen deviantART photobucket blogskins Melissa Haslam Joanne