Friday, January 18, 2008

LEAH-CHAN @ 5:19 PM

Mood: Shocked, Sad...
Music: Seishun Amigo by Shuuji to Akira

Konbawa minna-san,

This is a reply to Izyani's LiveJournal entry 'Amigo?'.

Gomen nasai, Izyani-nee-chan. I really did think about what I wrote. I was so consumed with my feelings that I did not realized that it would hurt your feelings. You have always been the stronger one of the two of us (three, if you include Lydia). I should have known that you are not one to sugarcoat anything to ANYBODY (even me, included).

Hai, I still remember how we both met. I was sitting in the AVA Theatrette alone, reading my crime stories book and you just popped up in front of me and asked me what I was reading. We DID clicked and now, both of us are still standing strong as best friends, even sisters, after four years of so much drama (mostly happening on my part).

Our friendship is a funny thing, you know that? You're asking if it's one-sided on your part. And I'm always telling myself that I'm useless and can never help you because all I do is whine and cry to you. But we never tell each other these things. These thoughts of ours.

I know you're happy for me since I started Polytechnic. I'm really sorry that I don't have the time to hang around you as much as before. I always waited for your call. I never wanted to bother you. I was afraid, I guess, that you'll be too tired and force yourself out just for my sake.

I guess I'm really selfish for always asking you if you were angry with me for not contacting me after quite some time. I always made you feel guilty.

Honto ni...Gomen nasai...

You aren't a villain. I don't want you to close your heart and put on that mask of yours when you're around me. I'm your best friend. I will be there if you want someone to complain to, a shoulder to cry on, arms to hug, a listening ear, a sympathetic heart, whatever!

I'll never shrug you off. If I do, tell me. Please. I wanna be there for you just as you did for me, so many, many times in my life.

Even though I made many friends in Poly, you and Lydia are the ones that have been through with me through all the good times and bad, especially the super bad ones. I'll never forget you guys and this may sound selfish but if I could, I wanna hold onto our friendship even if it kills me in the process.

Do you know what? I'm afraid. My deepest darkest fear is losing my family (and I think I already am) and losing you and Lydia. I'm afraid of waking up in the morning, seeing those that I hold dear in my heart turn their backs away from me.

I've already got an image of my father doing so. My mother, half-turned, and my brother, half-turned. I've lost the very people that grew up with me. The wall between all of us have risen up and I've been barricaded out. Many times, I've tried and tried banging on the wall, until my arms are bleeding but there was no answer.

The answer came from you and Lydia. I fear that the wall will come up between us and I'm barricaded out again.

To the readers reading this, I know you may think that I am acting dramatic, pathetic, whiny, emo-ish and even, just plain sad. But right now, these are my thoughts, being carefully put out.

Izyani-nee-chan, I don't hate Akame. I've grown to like them. Though not as much as you but I do like them. I'm sorry if you don't like OCs. I'll grow to accept that and not talk about my stories as much.

Gomen ne...

I never realize how worried you are for me when my obsession for KAT-TUN was to the extreme. I've toned down already since exams are coming near.

I've realized that in the whole four years of our friendship, I've done nothing but troubled you with my thoughtless actions. I've clung onto you like a pathetic child but never opened my arms out once to act like the adult when it was your turn to be the child.

I ought to die for what I've been doing.

Honto ni gomen nasai...

Hah...can you believe how pathetic I am? A few moments ago, I read your post and I was honestly shocked and cursed myself in the school LIBRARY. Now, I'm crying in the SCHOOL LIBRARY. Have I no shame? Couldn't I just wait for a few more hours before going home to cry?

I'm pathetic, aren't I, dear readers?

Mah, I really don't know what to do. I'm such a fool for thinking that I could rant off without anyone being hurt, pissed, or whatever at my posts.

Mah, I'll just sign off and stop myself from writing more...

Genki dana, minna-san...

*ja ne*
Leah-chan

Profile

Name: Leah-chan

Schooling In: Nanyang Polytechnic

Course: Multimedia & Infocommunications Technology, School of Information Technology

Birthday: 21st December 1990

CCAs: Foreign Bodies, Voice Ensemble

Colour: Black, White, Red, Blue, Green, Orange, Purple, etc ^_^

Hobbies: Reading, Writing, Singing, Acting, Dancing, Fashion

Music Influences: EVERYTHING but at the moment, JROCK/JPOP

I'm bi-polar i think.

One day, I'm happy and the next, I'm totally different.

Yahoo!: sweet_leah90@yahoo.com.sg

MSN: night_riot@hotmail.com

Livejournal: night-riot.livejournal.com

Likes

I love music. It is my whole life. I can't survive with it.
I hope to be able to play the drums or guitar (electric) [that's once i have enough money to buy one].

I'm currently into Japanese music, and I love mixing their fashion with my own taste! ^_^

My new love is dancing, alongside singing, acting, writing romance fiction and creating fashion styles.
It allows me to express myself when I can't.
It relieves me from my stress.
Overall, I love dancing - I just need to get a confidence for it.

Hanging out with friends is another plus in my life. Friends, to me, equals to loyalty and honesty.

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Credits

karen deviantART photobucket blogskins Melissa Haslam Joanne